Hey Zhanie! This is some feedback on your project- Insightful lessons. I didn't do a portfolio, so I'm not sure of the rules/directions. So if I suggest anything that doesn't match up with the rules, then I'm sorry! I thought that your story in your portfolio was really great! I remember reading it a few weeks ago, and I still think it's very clever. I love the lesson that you explain in the story and the the new descriptions that you added. One thing I question is the graduation of the animals. You explain the school as very human-like (writing lab reports, studying for exams), but this is a goose and a turtle. It makes me wonder what kind of school this is lol. Maybe you could add in some animal-like activities or majors? Like flying or shell-design (for the turtle). The layout of the portfolio looks nice and clean-but I'm a bit confused about why Winnie the Pooh and Piglet are on the cover. I thought that your stories would be about them/their adventures (which you could easily change in your story! Piglet seems like they would be a turtle-type character). If that's not your idea, could you explain on the page why Pooh is important in the portfolio- like an introduction?Either way, I look forward to seeing the rest of your stories!
Hello Zhanie! I want to start by saying I love how you developed a rendition of the Turtle and The Goose story. You created a theme that taught a lesson about moving forward and I enjoyed how the story played out as it was something that makes you think. You did a great job of narrating the story and allowing the thoughts and dialogue of the characters to interweave together to form a coherent story that provides a significant lesson in the end. Overall, I can’t say I have much critique of the story as you did pretty solid job. If I had to provide something, I wonder if it possible to fine-tune a bit of the dialogue by changing around some wording here and there to increase the perception of anxiety in turtle. If you can start off level-headed and drastically increase the stress of turtle by using words, I think you can really hammer home the moral of your story, but also present the underlying emotion in a relatable manner. Great job on your writing!
Hi Zhanie! First, I want to say that I enjoyed the additional lessons you put in your story, especially the one regarding moving forward and not being stuck in the past. Turtle’s fears about stepping out of his comfort zone are common for many college students, making his character very relatable. I thought your story narrated your lessons very clearly. Also, your descriptions of the character’s feelings and their dialogue made the story easy to read and very entertaining. I wonder why the Turtle was so scared to leave his comfort zone, even though he had a great job lined up. What if he didn’t have a job lined up for him after he graduated? Also, I originally thought the story was going to be about Winnie the Pooh based on the Home photo. It wasn’t until reading the caption of the photo on the Comment Wall that I understood why Winnie the Pooh was used. Maybe placing a small caption on the Home page about how Winnie the Pooh depicts wisdom to you could avoid any confusion for the reader.
Hi Noelle!I enjoyed the ending mainly because it wasn’t like every story that has a happy ending. However, I was also a little sad for Turtle because he looked back. Your version reminds me of a story from the the Book of Genesis where a wife and husband were advised to leave town for their safety. The angels told them to not look back at the city or else they’ll be turned to salt. The wife ended up looking back. Your version of the story teaches an important lesson of listening to others and overall, to not get caught up the past. There were some parts of the story that I felt like could’ve been written differently. Maybe you could reread your story and make your sentences more refined. I was also confused about the part where Turtle was nervous about trying something new. He says that he’s doing good in college but then Turtle and Goose are entering the Maturing Forest. Are they graduating or are they not?I also like your web page theme! I love Winnie the Pooh and the aesthetic. Congratulations on graduating!
HI Zhanie, Wow!! I love how you choose to start your storybook with a picture of piglet and pooh bear it makes me want to see what your stories are going to be able. Great job at wanting to get people to look more at your page by finding such a cute image for your home page. From your first story there are two things I notice right off the bat! The first is how each picture really relates to your story. The second it the amount of detail put into your authors note. I wonder what made you choose pooh bear and piglet as a front cover for your portfolio? I love how you were able to link us to a page that was 15 facts about geese! I will defiantly be adding in a bunch of random links to fun things I find yo my project. What if you were to expand on the idea of being stuck in the past a little more within your story? I would love to hear about the portal of the past a little more. I can not wait to see what else you able to create within your writing!
Hey Zhanie,I really loved your story! I loved the twist of the characters graduating, it kept the theme but reinvigorated the story with a fresh new setting. I also loved the little extra research you did on the animals' jobs. after college; that little bit of detail really helped to develop the characters and give them more depth. Also, I liked that you made the critics the animals themselves. The idea that you are your own biggest critic is super relatable, and I liked seeing that theme play out in your story. I did think that the Portal of the Past was a bit too much of a surprise though. Even though you foreshadowed a little bit, it still seemed to come out of nowhere, and it definitely seemed much more fatal than I was anticipating. Maybe you can use the Mother Goose character to give harsher advice to the characters? That was it though! Overall, I though that the grammar, pacing, and style was all perfect so good job!
Hi, Zhania!I would first like to say that I absolutely love the way that you took this story and put your own twist on it! Further, because I am a senior this year and graduating in two months… (TWO MONTHS!!!), I really got to resonate with your story. It got me in my “I do not want to leave college” feels. I like how you used so many real-life experiences that people go through whenever they are getting ready to graduate. As I read through your story, I would sit there and think, “Wow, this is exactly how I feel!”. I also enjoyed getting to explore through the different links that you provided on your page! I think that it was a really nice touch to your portfolio and provided a fun resource for people to get to go and explore. Overall, I thought that you did a really great job with this!
Hi Zhania,I really enjoyed the setting of your story. I feel like it's very relatable to you audience, the people in this class. We're all afraid as we come nearer to graduation, just like the turtle! Not everyone keeps confidence in themselves once we exit the structured classes of university. The plot of the story took me by surprise in a few places. I feel like the turtle had no warning of getting stuck in the Portal of the Past. That detail didn't really come up and didn't really feel like it fit with the rest of the story, which felt more fluid with reality. I wonder if this could be remedied by adding a few minor parts here and there that could explain the more mythical side of the plot. This could help relieve some of the confusion that some readers might feel about the Portal of the Past and the Maturing Forest. Other than that, I thought the story itself was great!
Howdy Zhanie, Right out of the gate I love the inclusion of Winnie the Pooh. I’m always excited to see people like those stories, and the connection of his affectionate nature and genuine spirit to the wisdom laid out in the tales. I’m a big fan of your use of the school setting; it’s fun to think through the animals receiving schooling. The ‘Portal of the Past’ concept is super interesting to me – are you meaning that as a literal portal? Or does the portal represent turtle’s mental block and anxieties. The idea of being so comfortable in one situation that you’re unable to face the next is universal. I feel like college student always face the panic of graduation and the always stress-inducing question: “Do you have a job lined up?”. I’m excited to see this project develop, Zhanie, I think you have a great writing style. You communicate emotion in dialogue very effectively and that’s crucial.